Self-Sabotage

Goals

“Self-sabotage”. All of my clients express this word at some point. It’s an impulsive expression. It just comes out without a second thought. The expression is practically engrained societally. Everyone says it. But let’s stop and figure out what it actually means.

Sabotage

to intentionally damage, destroy, block, or interfere with something

Being sabotaged by someone else is easy to picture: a coworker, a competitor, even a friend or family member. But sabotaging yourself? It doesn’t feel intentional. Do I intentionally damage, destroy, block or interfere my SELF? This is one key to understand…

Sabotage is intentional. Self-sabotage is compulsive (unconscious).

Self-sabotage

engaging in actions (or inactions) that directly undermine your own long-term goals, well-being, or relationships, even when you consciously want to succeed

“…even when you consciously want to succeed.” This is the tough part. I really want to succeed at Fill in the Blank, but I keep undermining myself? Yes, but let’s get more accurate.

Read the definition again. The word that matters isn’t “succeed.” It’s “goals.” Specifically, long-term goals. Which means there are short-term goals too. And when these two (or more) don’t align, you have ‘competing goals’ and thus ‘self-sabotage’.

What you’ll come to find is that self-sabotage is simply unconscious competing goals.

Hindsight

Clients come to me because they’re looking to implement change in their lives.

They understand that how they think (mental) and how they feel (emotional) directly influence their behaviors (physical). They are interested in what becomes available to them when they get clear on how these parts start working together instead of competing with one another.

One of the most impactful lessons is on hindsight. Or rather, hindsight versus foresight. Which you can get a glimpse of below.

There is a lot of data in hindsight. You get to learn a lot about yourself and your competing goals when you start questioning your inner world of cognitions and emotions. This is why 1:1 work is so impactful. Clients dedicate time to articulate and explore their cognitions and emotions with a professional who helps them get results faster. This is what I mean when I say “Start working in.↓”

Which “Self”?

The book I recommend the most is The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. He gives the reader impactful, paradigm shifting lessons on understanding your “self.”

In the introduction of the book he introduces the reader to this ambiguous, lofty goal of knowing and understanding one’s self. He does this by referencing this text from Hamlet…

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

— William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Singer then goes on to address the problem, and tease the solution…

“...if Laertes were to be totally honest with himself, he would realize that his father may as well have told him to catch the wind. After all, to which “self” are we to be true?

Is it the one that shows up when we’re in a bad mood, or the one that is present when we feel humbled by our mistakes? Is it the one who speaks from the dark recesses of the heart when we’re depressed or upset, or the one that appears during those fleeting moments when life seems so fanciful and light?

From these questions we see that the concept of “self” may turn out to be a bit more elusive than initially presumed.”

— Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul

The same question applies here. Which self is sabotaging which self? If there is a self doing the sabotage, and a self being sabotaged, who is who? Do you want the same things? Or two different things?

The Untethered Soul is on my Book Recommendations list for a reason.

Physical Body Example

With my clients I often use the physical body for examples (and metaphors). It’s a helpful way of understanding these lessons. Changing the body is visible, measurable, and objective.

So, let’s use a self-sabotage example for the physical body. You work out. You eat a pizza. You walk 10k steps. You have drinks with friends. Etc. So on and so forth.

Is this self-sabotage? The ‘self’ that worked out wanted to be strong. The ‘self’ that ate the pizza wanted comfort.

Can you see the competing goals? Is one short-term and another long-term?

Neither one is bad or wrong. They simply are not aligned.

Can you understand that in hindsight this is easy? And that in real-time it might be more unconscious and compulsive? That’s the tricky part about self-sabotage. Nothing inherently bad or wrong, simply unconscious competing goals without clear intention and direction.

Four Categories

There are four categories of competing goals. I segment these with my clients so they can get specific and directive in creating the change they’re looking for. Whether it’s in their relationships, work life, self-esteem, physical body, or emotional states (anxiety, depression, rage, etc.).

Understanding their unconscious competing goals for the first time is like a light going on. They feel like they’re in control of their lives again.

If you think you might be struggling with self-sabotage and want help with this, click below. If you know someone that might benefit from doing this inner work, send them this article.