How to Change

You want something to be different

You’re here because you want to change something. Maybe it’s how you show up at work. Maybe it’s how you react to your partner. Maybe it’s the anxiety that follows you from meeting to meeting.

Whatever it is, you’ve probably already tried to change it. And you’ve probably noticed it didn’t stick.

Outside is easier than inside

It’s easier to change the things outside of us. A new city. A new job. A new partner. These changes are visible, and they feel like progress.

It’s much harder to change the things inside of us: the cognitions and emotions that drive our behaviors. So most people keep rearranging the outside and wonder why the inside stays the same.

Change is a slog

Change takes intentional focus and consistency over a period of time. There is no shortcut around that.

This is true whether it’s your relationship with your spouse or learning to write with your non-dominant hand. You have to focus. You have to be consistent. And you have to give it time.

Change is intentional and structured. It is not accidental.

The tenets of change

There are a few principles that govern every meaningful change you will ever make. They apply in the gym, at the piano, in the boardroom, and in your marriage.

Gratification. There’s a constant tug-of-war happening inside of you, and the side that usually wins is not the side that gets you what you want. The fastest path is rarely the one it looks like.

Competence. You type on a keyboard every day. So why haven’t you gotten any better? There’s a difference between doing something often and actually developing a skill, and there are distinct stages every skill passes through.

Feedback. Some parts of life tell you exactly how you’re doing. Others are far less honest. Knowing which is which changes how you interpret everything that happens to you.

When you understand these tenets, you start to recognize them in real time. And that awareness increases your capacity to change.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

— George Bernard Shaw

Where to go from here

The tenets of change are the foundation. They’re part of what you learn in Emotional Agency™, the framework I use with clients to make change intentional rather than accidental.

For your consideration

What have you tried to change by changing your surroundings? What did you expect to happen, and what actually happened? Where in your life do you choose what feels good now over what you want later? How would you know if you were getting better at something that can’t be measured?